Jim was in trouble, because he forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 4 seconds and it better be there!” She was serious too, so Jim got serious. The … Read more
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since … Read more
A woman walks into her psychiatrist’s office and says, “Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about saying things that don’t come out the way we meant them to?” The psychiatrist replies, “You mean Freudian slips?” “Exactly, those. Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my … Read more
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “Ninety eight, “she replied, “three years older than me. “ “So you’re 95?” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?” This joke is included in the Black Book of Jokes. … Read more
The after dinner speaker was droning on and on and on, bringing everyone to tears. One of the guests, fighting to keep his drooping eyelids open, turned to the lady on his right and said, “Can nothing be done to shut him up?” “If there is, I’d like to know, “said the lady, “I’m his … Read more
A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a corrections officer, “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” The officer laughs, saying, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!” “That’s not true!” she shouts. “He just told me he has been digging a … Read more
Grumpy Old Man to his wife: “Why didn’t any of the books I donated sell at the church rummage sale?” His wife: “I’m thinking it may have gone better if you hadn’t torn out the pages you didn’t like. “ This joke is included in the Black Book of Jokes. You can order it from … Read more
A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried. As he examined the body of Mr. Hortz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Hortz had the longest ‘member’ he had ever seen! “I’m sorry, Mr. Hortz, “said the mortician, “but I can’t send … Read more
A ventriloquist had no work for nine months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly. The agent said, “There’s no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work. “So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign. An … Read more
A little monster was learning to play the violin,’ I’m good, aren’t I?’ he asked his big brother. ‘You should be on the radio,’ said his brother. ‘You think I’m that good?’ ‘No, I think you’re terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off ! This joke is included in … Read more