A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?” The witness: “Yes, sir. “ The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?” The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches. “ The lawyer: … Read more
A man standing at a urinal notices that he’s being watched by a midget. “Wow, “comments the midget. “Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!” Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee. Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, “Listen, … Read more
Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women’s Day. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin … Read more
Mitchell saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. “In over 20 years I haven’t because I try to remain professional. “ With that Mitchell dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrollable … Read more
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat. “ The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to … Read more
A man comes home late one night, drunk. “Where have you been?” asks his wife. “I was in the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!” This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, so she calls the Golden Bar. “Do you have golden chairs?” “Yes. “ “Do you … Read more
Three men were having a drink together at the local pub. The first one says, “… You know, where I’m from, there’s a bar called “O’Kelly’s”, where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O’Kelly himself buys you a drink. “ The second man then says, “Well…where I’m from, there’s a … Read more
At a parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?” The inmate responded, “It’s bec… “ Officer: “Yes?” Inmate: “I think I have. . “ Officer: “Go on. “ Inmate: “Can I Please finish my sentence?” Officer: “Sure. Parole denied. “ This joke is included in the Black Book of … Read more
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 65, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 28, won a … Read more
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, “Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks. “ The second guy says, “I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch. “ The third guy says, … Read more